Why Rap Sucks (According to This Metalhead)

 

Alright, friends, grab your battle vests and crank up the volume, because today we’re diving into a hot-button topic that’s been driving a wedge between headbangers and hip-hoppers since the dawn of time. Well, maybe not quite that long—but still, I’m here to explain why rap, as a genre, just doesn’t hold a candle to metal. So buckle up, because we’re about to take a ride through the world of chugging riffs, blast beats, and guttural growls… and then *sigh* compare it to whatever’s happening in rap.

Here’s my completely biased, unapologetically metal take on why rap can’t even come close to the glory that is heavy metal.

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1. Where’s the Shredding? No, Seriously—Where Is It?

 

Look, I get that rhythm is cool, and maybe you’re proud of your slick beats and smooth flow, but WHERE’S THE SHREDDING? When I listen to a song, I want guitar solos so face-meltingly fast that my air guitar fingers cramp up halfway through. But in rap? Nope. All I hear is a repetitive beat and a whole lot of talking. It’s like listening to an angry poetry slam with a beat in the background. Where’s the skill? Where’s the speed? Where’s the metal?

I mean, come on, there’s no way a rap “freestyle” can compete with an epic ten-minute guitar solo that makes you question whether the guitarist is even human. Metal guitarists are out here setting strings on fire, and rappers are just… rhyming words. Respectfully, what?

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2. Anger? Please, Metal Invented It

 

Rap claims it’s the voice of rebellion and anger, but sorry, metal invented being mad at the world. I mean, metal is the genre that put anger in a trench coat, gave it a guitar, and turned it up to 11. Metalheads scream about existential dread, fighting inner demons, overthrowing corrupt regimes, and facing their darkest fears. Meanwhile, rappers are out here bragging about, uh, buying stuff?

You want real rage? I’ve got blast beats, double-bass drumming, and vocalists growling so hard you can feel it in your bones. Metal isn’t just a genre—it’s a *primal scream*. Rap could never.

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3. Fashion? One Word: Spandex

 

Okay, let’s talk aesthetics. Rap has the fancy cars, designer clothes, and jewelry so sparkly you need sunglasses just to look at it. But metal? Metal has leather jackets, spikes, and—my personal favorite—good ol’ spandex pants. Yeah, you heard me. We’ve got more confidence in one pair of tight leather pants than any rapper has in their whole closet of Louis Vuitton. Nothing says “I’m ready to rage” like squeezing into pants that are basically painted on.

Plus, metalheads wear battle vests that weigh 20 pounds because they’re covered in patches we’ve collected like trophies. You want us to trade that in for some oversized hoodie? Never gonna happen.

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4. Concerts: Metalheads Don’t Need Security, We’ve Got the Pit

 

Let’s talk concerts for a sec. I’ve been to metal shows that are basically controlled chaos. In metal, you’re either headbanging with your whole soul or you’re in the mosh pit, living on the edge of mayhem and adrenaline. And the best part? After it’s over, we’re all friends, picking each other up and sharing a beer.

Rap shows? I’ll be honest, it’s mostly people just standing around holding their phones up. Oh, a flash went off in the crowd! Wild. In a metal show, there’s fire, there’s sweat, there’s screaming… heck, there might even be a Viking helmet involved. You’re not just watching; you’re surviving. Until rap has a wall of death, I’m not interested.

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5. Metal Album Art vs. Rap Album Art

 

Have you seen the album covers in metal? Skulls, dragons, cosmic explosions, demons riding motorcycles—it’s like an epic fantasy novel on every single cover. I can barely even tell what’s on most rap album covers because it’s either just a close-up of someone’s face or, at best, a guy standing next to a car. How am I supposed to summon my inner warrior with that? I need something more intense. Give me flames and skulls or get outta here.

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6. Lyrics: Metal Says It with METAPHORS

 

Yes, yes, I know—rap is all about the lyrics. But let me tell you something: metal lyrics are like epic poetry for people who’ve stared into the void. While rap is busy flexing over luxury brands and cash stacks, metal’s out here telling tales of Norse gods, epic battles, and journeys through hell itself. We’ve got entire concept albums with intricate storylines, while rap lyrics sometimes feel like a shopping list with a side of bravado.

You want deep, thought-provoking words that make you question your place in the cosmos? Metal’s got your back.

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7. Drums That Hit You in the Soul

 

Alright, let’s be real—there is no better way to convey sheer aggression than a double-kick pedal going at 200 beats per minute. Metal drummers are like the Energizer bunnies of percussion, hitting harder, faster, and with more intensity than any rapper’s drum machine. And that’s not even mentioning those epic drum fills and breakdowns that make you want to lose your mind. You ever seen a rapper throw down a blast beat? Didn’t think so.

Rap beats? They just don’t pack the same punch. Where’s the intensity? I need drums that make me feel like I’m charging into battle, not ones that could double as background music in a chill lounge.

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8. The Fans: Metalheads Are a Brotherhood (and Sisterhood!)

 

Metal fans aren’t just fans; they’re family. You see someone wearing a band tee, and instantly you’ve got a friend. We bond over knowing all 10 minutes of that obscure track, we swap stories about concerts, and we respect each other’s right to headbang. You don’t see a metalhead judging another for knowing one song or being “fake.” If you’re in, you’re in, and we’re all one big, happy, crazy headbanging family.

Rap fans? Let’s just say I don’t see the same community. It’s more like a competition of “who’s the most hype” or “who knows the most obscure tracks.” Sorry, but I’ll take my sweaty, loud, chaotic metal family over that any day.

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Final Thoughts: Metal Forever, Rap… Not So Much

 

Listen, I know music is subjective, and everyone’s got their own taste, but come on. Rap may have its moments, but for me? Metal is the sound of rebellion, the soundtrack to every fight against the mundane, and the only genre that truly screams “we don’t need the mainstream.” So if you need me, I’ll be in the pit, screaming along to lyrics about slaying dragons and defying death, while the rap scene does… whatever it’s doing.

And hey, if you’re a rap fan reading this, no hard feelings! Just know that if you ever need a real dose of intensity, passion, and full-on face-melting insanity, metal’s here for you. Just don’t forget your earplugs.